stormy--'s Diaryland Diary

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The Day my World Changed Forever

I've tried writing here three times. Three times I've come here, stared at that small empty box, and then X-ed out without typing a single letter. And, having just written two sentences I find I'm having the same problem right now.

These past few days have been hard. Really hard. I haven't been sleeping much - last night not at all. I don't want to eat and even peanut M&Ms hold no appeal. I just wander around my house in my jammies completely and utterly lost.

A couple of days ago I was at the gas station. I had been waiting for gas prices to go down a little (that didn't happen and probably won't for a while) before I filled up so I was pretty close to running on fumes. I was leaning against my car and watched as the $ and gallons slowly increased. I'm talking super slow. So slow that I actually contemplated stopping it at $4 and then driving across the street to another gas station to finish filling up. Another car pulled up on the other side of my pump and a guy got out and started pumping his gas. When he noticed that his too was going slow, he came around to look at my pump. He was nice. He said he was glad it wasn't only him that got a slow one, and I just smiled and told him that the gas station probably needed to change the filter (I could "wow" you with all the useless factoids I know). He smiled back at me and went back to his side. But before he did I got a whiff of his cologne.

It's funny (in a totally non ha-ha way) how smell can be so much a part of a memory. Because there I was enjoying a beautiful June day with crystal clear blue skies and a slight breeze that blew my hair around my shoulders and then with a single scent I wasn't. I was thrust back several years in a memory.

I don't know how I made it home. I don't remember driving. I also don't remember walking into my house and curling up on the floor against some throw pillows that I've long since had a use for in the study - aka the small room just off my living room that stores a bunch of stuff that I need to donate to Goodwill and about a dozen empty Amazon boxes. But there I was - eyes puffy, nose runny, and throat sore - with my purse dropped by my side and my sandals still on my feet. And I never wear my shoes in the house.

I'm not sure what the name of the cologne is. A woodsy and somewhat smokey scent, it didn't smell cheap. A few times I thought about going to some perfume counters and seeing if I could identify it. But each time I immediately vetoed the idea. Now you can see why.

And when I do manage to fall asleep, the nightmares wake me up. Each time it takes me several long moments to realize that I'm okay and it was just a nightmare. It just feels so real. The nightmares, I mean. I can clearly smell his cologne, taste the blood on my lips, feel his hot breath on my neck....

How long until I can forget? It's been five years and yet it still has the ability to bring me to my knees. So do I have to wait ten more? Fifteen? Twenty? Or will I still be haunted when I'm old and gray? Forever changed by a monster.

8:44 p.m. - 2020-06-17

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